How Accepting My Vulnerability Changed My Love Life
Beautiful? Check. Fun? Check. A stable job? Check. Love life? EH?
I broke off with my High school sweetheart over text. Many years later, I broke off with this other dude in college as a tarot reader told me he’s going to cheat on me if he hadn’t already.
Yes, this is what little it took for me to break up with someone.
I have been single most of my life. And I have dated plenty of men. From this, one can go ahead and calculate how short-lived each of the affairs was. In retrospection, I loved each of them and wanted to make things work. But as the relationship started getting intimate, I wanted to run for Hills and leave them and the relationship — all at once.
A few months ago, I discussed such scenarios with my therapist, sulking about how my love life has always sucked. Bad decisions, coupled with equally bad choices in men, have led me to her office. Thoughtfully listening to me and giving me that soul-piercing eye gaze (She has got really intense eyes), she remarked, “You fear vulnerability; that’s your only problem.” I knew I always got scared in love, but she articulated it. “You cannot bear the thought of someone leaving you, so you leave them before they can even get a chance to leave you.
Right there, the remark hit my heart like a sword-laced bullet.
All my failed relationships flashed in front of me, and I still cannot fathom how I could conclude what went wrong in them in a microsecond. But, strangely enough, I felt a sense of relief — I finally came to terms with my weakness and fear of showcasing that weakness.
The thought of losing someone scares every cell in my system, and like every control freak, I want to control the situation somehow. Be it wanting to Rush a commitment or shifting power Dynamics in a relationship. People like me adore control.
But what it does is, in turn, wrecks the natural flow of Emotions and Ease of connection. We start trying too hard.
Now I knew what was wrong with my love life. All I had to do was to showcase to a bunch of knights that though I wasn’t a damsel in distress, I was far from a queen who has got it all sorted. I had to be a human. I had to let them in. After actively trying to choose vulnerability, my love life drastically improved.
I stopped trying too hard.
Initially, whenever I started dating a boy, I always tried to embrace my more fun side. Deep down, I feared that he would discard me once he discovers my basic boring self. So, I overdid with the crazy-fun-girl energy.
But the thing with trying too hard is you can’t do it for long. Out of fear, I’d bore my partner, I overexerted myself, and put unnecessary strain on myself and the relationship.
Part of getting emotionally intimate with someone is by being fine on those not-so-fun days. You are putting yourself out there for the other person to judge you. And that is a great vulnerability exercise. If they find you boring, that is on them. You are not an entertainer. I realized it was not my duty to entertain anyone. Just being myself was enough.
I started being more expressive.
The beauty of being in a relationship with a man is your ability to embrace your feminine side in total capacity. What is the point of being with someone if you don’t allow yourself to be Fragile and sensitive? As I let go of my internal fears of being judged and fully expressing myself, I noticed reception from the other side. People can tolerate a lot more they can imagine. Losing control is daunting, but it is the Foundation of intimate relationships. My therapist told me to do the opposite of what my fears tell me. Training the mind to let go when it wants to hold back is rigorous work in itself, but it reaps results in the end.
I stopped overthinking and over-analyzing
When you attach yourself to the outcome of connection, you are controlling the present moment. Mixing a bit of patience with faith can create magic in relationships.
Once you stop obsessing over the outcome of the connection, you stop overthinking. Each late reply or absence of heart emoji doesn’t trigger you, and you are more at Peace. Part of embracing vulnerability is to accept you cannot control or predict the outcome of the relationship. Once I stopped focusing on small trivial details that aggravated my anxiety, my dating life became a part of my life, and everything became effortless.
When you attach yourself to the outcome of connection, you are controlling the present moment. Mixing a bit of patience with faith can create magic in relationships.
You start to differentiate between red flags and false alarms.
Everyone has been here; we like someone but feel there’s no way they are genuinely interested in us. So, we start to look for red flags even if there aren’t any.
Fear of rejection shouldn’t drive you crazy to the point where you self-sabotage the connection. True power is in putting yourself on the line and not knowing how things will turn out. It is about having faith that things will work out, and the person you are with deserves a fair chance. Once you accept that there will always be a possibility of getting hurt in love so you might as well take the full plunge into the unknown — true adventure awaits you.
So, text all the crushes that you’ve ever had. Life is unpredictable; love is unexpected. Dearmouring yourself and genuinely embracing your more human, more vulnerable side is the key to finding lasting love. The side that needs love, the side that takes chances, the side which isn’t afraid to go for what it wants — that side will always find love in the strangest of places.
